The R-word...

So, today I heard a family member use the term retard. After being asked not too, she used it again and again was asked not too. Now, I understand and have been struggling with the use of the r-word. I know that I have used it in the past quite frequently and after becoming a teacher, really had to focus on not using it. Yes, it is a medical term, however, it is not used in those terms anymore. When the word originated it was meant to be used to describe something slower or a person who was delayed.
I am honestly ashamed to say that I used to use that word to describe people, things and anything that I felt was "stupid" or "dumb." After having my daughter, I still wasn't fully convince that this word was so horrible. But then I woke up and saw the world for what it was when it comes to this word. People have taken this word and made it such a derogatory word that it can't even be used by the medical community anymore. Our society has taken this word and I have watched it be used to put people down.
When we are using this word we have to think about who is being affected by it. Of course, my daughter is not a "retard" and I know that when other people are using it they are not referring to her, but if you think about all those people out there who have a disability who have been called this and taunted with it because of ignorance, that is when it is awful! And even if we are using it to describe that guy who just cut us off when we are driving or a bill we don't want to pay, kids are still learning it is an appropriate word to use when putting people down. Then they come to school, a play ground or a place where kids are and call their "friends" a retard or maybe they see a child who is different then them or talks different and call him or her a retard. Then they make it a little worse and start taunting him or her and adding "aw look at the poor little retard is crying!" And continue and continue because their friends think it is funny. This is why when looking at this word it is offensive. It was meant as a medical term to describe a slow person or a person who is delayed and take out of context and made into a terrible and hurtful word!
Now after typing this, I want to make sure everyone is aware that my parents never used this word in my presents. I am not sure where I learned to use this word, but that just proves my point that it can come from anyone stating it. This word is considered acceptable to use in our society and we really need to take a step back and reconsider how this word is affecting those who are the most susceptible.

Katy Perry - Firework

Firework

Ok, sorry I haven't written in so long! Life happens! So anyway, I saw on Katy Perry's youtube page that she is doing a contests on who inspires you or who is your Firework. So, after much thought I decided not to do the contest because well if we would happen to win, then we would be flown to London to meet Katy and then enjoy a concert and I think Jenessa may be too young; However, I did want to let everyone know what my video would have been if I had submitted my entry.
Jenessa is my inspiration and my hero. The reason for this is not just because she has Down Syndrome, but because she has overcome so much that is involved with having Down syndrome! She learned to crawl and sit up at 10 months, from that point she really wanted to walk, but she just couldn't. We worked with her physical therapist and her teacher, trying to find out why she wasn't walking when she crawled so early! We notice that when she stood she stood on her ankles, meaning: she had very very weak ankles. She didn't give up though, she pushed through helping me to help her! We did stairs 3 to 4 times a day and she would pull herself to stand and reach up to get her toys, pushing up to her tip toes! She was just so determined to walk!! At 20 months she is almost there, so close to walking, but her determination in learning to walk has inspired me! I wish that I was as driven, determination and passionate as she has been through the ordeal! She is so independent and wants to do it on her own! When she does finally walk, it won't be because we put braces on her or because I wanted her to, it will be because she wanted it that badly!! This is one of the many reasons why she is my firework!! Jenessa has changed my life, and what I don't think I say enough is just how proud I am of her! She has done so much with so many challenges! She is eating with a fork, she is drinking out of a sippy cup, stacking blocks 3 high, working on her shapes and her vocabulary is amazing!! I am just the proud and amazed by her every day!! She may not learn at the fastest pace, but she learns! And in all honesty I think she knows more than I do when it comes to so much!! I just love to see her shine everyday!! No matter what activity she is doing! And this is why she is my inpiration!!

Now, after fighting the strong strong earge to enter this, I decided no, but I did want to put it out there how I felt. She truely is my firework!! If I had even an ounce of her drive and determination I would already have my doctorate!! LOL.

Long, but Fun Trip!

Well, Jenessa and I are back from our week of traveling! We went to grandma and grandpa's in Mitchell for 5 days and during that drove the 4 hours to see Great Grandma. She enjoyed seeing Jenessa and watching her throw her food and sippy cup on the floor.
We were also fortunate enough to get to meet up with one of my old friends from high school and two of her daughters. Jenessa loved it, but was trying to act shy!! My daughter shy? HAHAHA!
Then on Friday we packed up and headed to Aunt Tessa and Uncle Jarod's, to see cousin Grayson! Jenessa loved that, she even came up and gave me a hug and then went back to playing! What a cutie!!
It was Grayson's birthday weekend and so I helped Tessa get ready for the party and Jenessa helped entertain Grayson! I think we did a pretty good job at the assigments that we were given! :)
Then Sunday we got up and decided after church to head home.
So, during all this travel I had a lot of time to think about everything going on. I mean come on, I am expecting... trying to pay bills on one salary and wanting to sell my house so we can move. Plus, my husband is gone again and my daughter has Down Syndrome which is always in the back of my head, no matter what.
I got to thinking about how much I love my husband and do not want to loose him, but then thought I had on Friday night!! He went out with friends and his phone died after telling me they were heading back soon. Two hours later, I still hadn't heard from him and he wasn't answering his room phone. Freak out!!!! He was ok, they just got sidetracked for an extra hour and a half at the bar. ( He now knows he should call if that happens again.)
I then went to my sister's sermon on Sunday and what a great message for me to hear right now in my life!!
(ok background on her sermon, she has been told she is moving in January, it is a mid year move and very hard on her and her churches that she is currently serving!)
So back to the sermon, She really opened my eyes because she put it pretty blunt! God gives us what he wants us to do. What he gives us in our lives are always opportunities to be open to him and the day that you finally say ok Lord I want to serve you and I want to be able to take what you have given me and learn from it and truely serve the purpose it was given to me for, with an open heart. That is the day that everything will make sense and he will be able to show you the true purpose of his gift.
Now listening to this, I always think of my daughter because I sometimes wonder if I have accepted his gift with an open heart! I love my daughter, but am I truely doing what God intended me to do, to help other people accept my daughter and her friends! Then I wonder, do I truely accept other's that have Down Syndrome the way I should! We are not placed on this earth to judge what others do, nor what God wants us to do. We are here to just do and serve him!
I find as I look around, there is way too much judgement around me sometimes and I know I can get caught up in it. It was also stated that we are only human and we make mistakes. That is helpful. Because Lord knows that I make tons of mistakes everyday!! But the greatest gift God has given me, my daughter, helps me to remember that no matter what I am loved and I have a purpose!! For this I am so grateful!
So, maybe I am in the process of serving God, but maybe I hadn't opened my heart completely or accepted completely the great gift he has given to me. That is what I call a powerful sermon!

Travels to Mitchell...

So Jenessa and I dropped daddy off at the airport on Sunday and then headed west for grandma and grandpa's! Jenessa threw a fit at the airport, but then fell asleep by the time we hit the interstate. We stopped in Lincoln for lunch (for 20minutes)... Ugh! I missed having a second person to feed Jenessa while I drove. Then we finally got on the road again and the next stop was Kearney at a relatives birthday party. We actually weren't planning on stopping in Kearney, but I had to go to the bathroom and that is an interesting thought when driving with a toddler who can't walk. So luckily my aunt told me about the birthday party! So we got to stop and see family and hang out with some great people for awhile and I was able to have someone else hold Jenessa. Lots of someone elses actually! So after a wonderful time at cousin Ronda's birthday party, we hit the road again. Heading on. Jenessa feel right to sleep. This lasted for about an hour and a half. She woke just before Ogallala. We stopped there, which was interesting. One thing though is I was reminded of good ol' western Nebraska hospitality!! I went to pay for the stuff I was getting and thought I had 4 bucks and only had 3, and the clerk told me not to worry about the 35 cents, he had it. I was so greatful because then I didn't have to run back out to my car. So we get back on the road from there and as I am driving into the panhandle I just get to see the beauty of the land! It is just amazing to me how beautiful it is out here!!

This is Chimney Rock. Not as big as it used to be, but still beautiful!!
But we finally made it to my parents house 8.5 hours after we started... Jenessa has come up with a game where she makes a funny noise and I make it back. That got us through the very last, longest part of the trip!! So, thankfully I have a wonderful, easy going girl to travel with!

Jenessa Update!

Well, I haven't updated about Jenessa progress lately and thought it was time!! Jenessa is still a go getter!! She is still trying to work on walking, but getting so much closer! A month ago her ankles were too weak and now she is pushing her push car everywhere!! If I could just put her in a huge open room, she would push that thing for hours on end!! I am just cheering her on from the side lines because if I try to help, oh no! That does not work! So, we are still working on that! But her communication is getting so much better!! She knows the signs for food, more, and milk. Not much, but enough! She has also stated "Mo" which I translate to more and when she gets really mad, it is "Mom" or "Dada!" Depending on what she is mad about! LOL! So cute! She does say more than that, but not very consistantly yet. But I know she will get there because she is motivated! Oh and she is climbing the stairs like a pro now... And as she goes up, she cleans the steps off! LOL... She will pick up the string or whatever is on the step and throw it behind her! Which means that the top step is actually the only one that is clean because everything else falls on the steps she just cleaned! Very fun to watch! Oh and she loves books!! Man does she like books!! She throws them off of her bookshelf and will just sit and stare at them or open them and just look at them!! It is a intrigueing at how much she has grown and changed in just a month!! Man, I can't wait for her to have a sibling though!! That will be so exciting for her!!

Beautiful Buddy Walk!!

Ok, so Saturday was the Omaha Buddy walk and what a beautiful day we had for it. Jenessa was all rested and ready, her buddies where joining her at UNO and we were a little behind schedule in leaving that morning, but we made it. It was so great to see so many people out and ready to support the ODSPN!! We had a small group walk with us, but recruited two more there! Thanks to our family and Burke, Lindsay, Ella, Tony, Abby, and Hilary for walking with us! Um... I would post pictures, but I forgot my memory card at home!! Had the camera, but forgot the card! So when I get them from my family and friends I will post some!!
All in all we had a great time at the Buddy Walk. It was so busy that I didn't get to see very many people there. I saw a few after, but not nearly as many as I wanted too.
Oh and we thought Jenessa was all rested up, but she took a nap through the walk! So cute!!

Ignorance is Bliss

So, in life we all make choices... a two years ago to this month Josh and I decided that we were not going to have the prescreening done to see if our child had any chromosomal issues or anything else. This was a honestly easy choice for us. I could and never would have an abortion because of any issue. We would get through it! Plus hey, I was 25, what was the chances of it anyways!! Then in March, we found out that yes if we had had the screening we would have probably found out that Jenessa our beautiful daughter to be had down syndrome. I often think about the odds of a 26 year old giving birth to a child with down syndrome and think that on the day we conceive Jenessa back in July of 2008, I should have played the lottery. I had just as good of chance of winning!! Now, this blog is not full of regret, not in the slightest... I would do it the same all over again. But what I cannot change is the choices of other people and how they react to Jenessa or others with down syndrome.
I have personally been on both sides of the reactions. I have watched people oogle my daughter and just beemed... But I have also lost close friends because of it, due to the only thing that I can come up with is ignorance. I have seen the horrified faces of people when they realize what my daughter has and wanted to cry because those are the faces that will hurt her the most. I have had people that I thought cared about me and were like family, completely pull away because my daughter has down syndrome and maybe just maybe they feel that the choice I made wasn't right! I dont' know. All I know is that it hurts.
The ignorance of people hurts and I know I have to be strong because one day I have to explain to my daughter why some of the people who were such strong influences in my past want nothing to do with her. And I have to explain that they are ignorant of what she can do and how strong and smart she really is. I have to tell her that the funny looks she gets are from people who just don't get it. But the hardest of all are the people that we know.
And honestly, I have to say Jenessa has wormed herself into so many peoples hearts that I was hoping that she could do it with the people that I felt were family. I tried, introduced her and everything and was shunned. No verbally, but physically and subconcously. A woman who usually talks to me for hours, talked to me for 10 minutes and never once asked to hold Jenessa. It hurts, but I guess it has helped me to see the world for what it really is. We can't make everyone love her, no matter how hard we try!
Now, I want to reiderate that I would never make a different choice, no matter how many people shunned me or my daughter. The statistics say that 90% of women who find out in the prescreening that their child has DS, abort. That is one sad, sad statistic!! I will not have another prescreening on our next child that is due in May! I have been told by the professionals that I should, but I won't. Why does it really matter! If I had chosen to have an abortion with Jenessa because she has DS, I would have missed out on so much!! I would have missed out on learning how to breath! God has taught me through Jenessa how to truely laugh and truely enjoy life! I know this is all clique, but so true. She taught me that in life we will have disappointments, but it is how we push through that makes us who we are! She has taught me that life is worth living right and doing what makes me happy! So, for all of you who have had to deal with the ignorance or who are the ignorant, I want to say I am sorry!! Don't let life jade you and prevent you from experiencing the greatness of it all!!

Jenessa, the PT and walking!

So, Jenessa's physical theropist came today and worked with her. She still isn't walking, but we are getting closer. And Amy (the pt) watched her crawle through her tunnel and then had her kinda jump onto the top of it and really got her going. She then had her pull herself up to the couch and watched her cruise and then had her take one hand off to play with her ball, but the best part was when Amy tried to get Jenessa to stand, when she didn't want too. It was way too funny!! I tried not to laugh. They then moved over to the car and Jenessa stood at that, but they were playing with a toy that Jenessa loves to push to make it play the alphabet... and Jenessa wanted to sit. This was again a struggle, Amy ended up playing tug of war with her!! Oh it was great!! So Hilarious!! Amy finally won! Well sort of, Jenessa finally gave up on getting her toy down and she walked around her car then and became preoccupied with it. Adorable!! Then we did the stairs and by the end of all of it, my daughter was absolutely exhausted!! But I felt it went good! We now have some things to work on and hopefully by the time we see her again, Jenessa is walking!

Bruno Mars - Just the Way You Are (Cover by MattyBRaps ft. Tyler Ward)

Deedah viewing

Tonight we had a wonderful viewing of Deedah and Me... Which is a documentary from a 8 year old girls perspective of having a younger brother with Down Syndrome (Up Syndrome if you ask him). I watched it with our super moms group and it was very inspiring! I loved getting to talk with some wonderful moms! And the documentary was so sweet and just so pure and innocent. Some of us mom's thought that maybe we should have our children's classes watch it. I think this is a good idea. Society needs to be educated about Down Syndrome and what better way than through the eyes of a child!
Then as I was driving home I heard this song "Just the way you are" By Bruno Mars and it just hit me hard. Because I love my little angel just the way she is and I would never want to change her! I hope that with everything that I have written on here that I have never portrayed that I want her to be a "typical" child. Do I want Jenessa to have everything and be able to achieve everything in the world? Absolutely yes, but I would never change my perfect little girl for anything! So when I got home I found the video before this blog and it just melted my heart!! Hope you all enjoy it too!!

Nightmares

So this morning I woke with an abrubtness due to my dream. I had a dream that some of my "friends" didn't like my openess about Jenessa having down syndrome and these "friends" started to avoid me. The hardest part was waking up to realize that it was both a nightmare in my dream and in real life...
I have pissed of some people with comments about not understanding certain laws, or why certain laws are in place and I have been told that not everyone wants the whole world to know their child has down syndrome. And the hardest part is, I may let everyone know my child has down syndrome, but it is because they are going to figure it out eventually. I mean, seriously... looking at my daughter you can tell. There is no secret.
I am sure I have even pissed people off with my determination to get my daughter services and how much of a b**** I kinda was, but it got her the services she was supposed to be having. And I am not going to even defend this because if you take a step back you would do the same.
I guess to put it plain and simply, it hurts to wake up from a nightmare to only realize it is reality! Ya know, I didn't want a child with down syndrome... I was not over joyed when they told me the news, but as a parent you love you child, no matter what happens! And hell ya, it is hard to watch her get older and see her traits come out more and more, but please don't judge me for it. Don't tell me that what I am doing isn't right because unless you are walking this path with my, you have no clue. You have no right to tell me that telling the whole world about my daughter isn't right. Or that fighting for her services isn't really needed because she is doing so well.
I guess all I can say is, don't judge other people until you have walked a day in their shoes. As Jesus says, let the perfect be the one to cast the first stone. And I am pretty sure, me included, none of us are perfect.

special need, disability or whatever you wanna call it!!

So, as a parent of a daughter with "Special needs" or a "disability", or whatever the hell you wanna call it, I often wonder what is all really means... I mean we can't seriously think that she really has such special needs, if you look at her she may look different, but she isn't really all that different from her cousin, is she? To me special needs means we have to totally rearrange our life because of her and yeah, when looking to move we had to make sure certain services would be provided, but that isn't much. We also had to decide if we wanted to keep her specialist doctors, but she only has two, so that isn't bad. What are her "special needs?" Does she have any?
One special need she has... she needs to look too damn adorable for her own good,
Another... She just has to have pancakes or waffles in the morning!!
Yet another... She wants the trendiest clothes in the world, to help with need one!

Yeah, not thinking that these needs are all that special, but hey they are what make her tick!!

As I look at her I don't see a child with a disability... I see my daughter who is going to need help with maybe more things than some children and she might have to go to some doctors that her friends don't, but she will look so adorable in the process that who cares!! I also see the little girl that can melt mine and her daddy's hearts! She has opened my eyes to a totally new world that before having her I was aware of, but never wanted much to do with. She has taught me how to love deeper and with more of my heart than I ever thought possible!!

She has also taught me that there are some ignorant people out there. The people that at the airport looked at her as she was falling asleep and then looked back at me with a look of terror as they realized that she is "different"! Wow, that is a look I will never forget! Or the sympathetic looks I get from people who know me, I just want to shout, "She got down syndrome, not the black plaque!! I promise it is ok!!" She has opened my eyes and heart and for that I can never repay her!

I know why God blessed me with my little angel and I am so grateful!! So, is it hard to have a child with a "disability"? Yes, but I feel it is even harder to be without her! She is my everything!! And she has made my life more blessed than I could have even imagined!! I always wanted to make a difference and now I get to because I had her!

Swim Party!!

So, we had fun tonight!! We had the awesome opportunity to go to Pirate's Cove and swim with the ODSPN Group. It was such a wonderful time!! Jenessa got to swim in her floating turtle that Grandma gave her, which lead her to love the water!! These pictures are from after the turtle experience moving on to the "I LOVE WATER!!" stage!!
We had to actually pry her out of the water to go eat and then pry her out of the water to leave!! I am so excited about this!! I cannot even begin to explain!
The experience of getting to go and talk with other parents is just wonderful!! It was great to see all different ages of kids in general, but especially the kids with down syndrome. To see the kids from age newborn all the way to teens!! It is so wonderful that they can interact with other kids with both down syndrome as well as siblings of other kids!! I am going to miss this in GI, when we move.
Well thanks all it was a great night!! Look forward to more exciting experiences!!

Swim Lessons Day One!

So we started Jenessa in swim lessons because she won a certificate last year at the buddy walk. Her first day was today and it went way better than I had expected. She took about 15 to 20 minutes to get used to the water and then she was a totally different little girl! It was great, she started reaching for toys and then getting on her tummy to reach. She even put her face in the water. After we had been in 10 minutes and she was still clinging to me, I thought, we are not coming back. But after getting used to it she started getting comfortable. So, I learned a valuable lesson today. When Jenessa is starting a new activity, I just have to be patient and give her the time to grow her courage wings, and then watch her use them!! But it will take time. Haha!
We did have a good time though and I am pretty sure she is excited about tomorrow!! Maybe tomorrow we will even let the lifeguard take us and "work" (play) with us!! :)

Grayson's Baptism

Well on Saturday Jenessa and I headed to Kansas for her cousin Grayson's baptism. I helped my sister, by decorating the cake and she kept me awake at midnight, while I worked. It was a really good time though! I was really sad that it was so busy and I really didn't get to talk to anyone much. But my dad came in while I was working and him and I talked, which doesn't happen much, so that was nice. Jenessa got a chance to see some of her great aunts and uncles that she hasn't gotten to see in awhile and she really enjoyed that. Grayson was also excited to be getting baptized! After it was done and Tessa was continuing on with the service, she asked if there were any joys or concerns and Grayson let out a loud shout! I loved it, apparently he felt it was a joy that he was baptized! So cute. It was a wonderful weekend and I was really glad to have a chance to go!

Acceptance

Well, I always knew through this journey there would be times when acceptance would be a factor, but I never guessed it would be so early!! I am not even talking about for Jenessa, actually. I had the great opportunity to talk to a mother of an older child with Down Syndrome and this child went to an orientation to the school that he plans to attend next year. At this program there was a teacher there that introduced themself to every parent around the child's parent except them. They thought this was a fluke until they talked to another parent with a child that also has down syndrome and they were also "shunned" if you will, by the same teacher. The sad fact is this teacher has accepted Jenessa, but it really makes me wonder and is kind of sickening that they could do that. I just don't see acceptance as accepting my child, because you know me or because she is just so adorable you can't resist, it is also accepting all children with any disability and their parents. Introducing yourself to every parent around them, but acting as if they do not exist is not acceptance and to be honest it is quite RUDE! I have had a hard time with this today because it really makes me wonder out of the people that know my daughter and accept her, do they really accept her?
I understand acceptance is a hard thing to comprehend. I even with a daughter with Down syndrome have a hard time. But I feel that we are teaching our kids tolerance more than acceptance and this needs to change. As was pointed out this morning to me in our mommy meeting, children don't see the facial differences or notice the behaviors at a young age, but they do need to understand as our children get older. And they need to have acceptance and to be taught that just because someone look different or act different, it doesn't mean that they are less of a person or that they are more sensitive, it only means that they want to be included just as much as everyone else!!

Mary Kay... Just pissed!

I had this grand idea about 2 years ago that I would start my own Mary Kay business... now don't think I am too crazy, both my mom and my sister have done the Mary Kay thing. They are both good at it, I am not! I honestly sucked at it. I am too researved and honestly feel that I lost friends in the process of selling MK. I got pregnant right after getting into it and then with being a new mom and having all of Jenessa's special needs, I really had no time. Hey maybe some mom's do, but I did not. I didn't have the drive either, especially after I asked a girl if she would have a party for me and she never talked to me again. I don't know I could be being paranoid, but I am thinking that it wasn't my thing. So, today I had a going out of business sale and out of all of the invites I sent out, I had one persone come! I have never ever been a pushy sales person and would help a friend if they ever called, but yet out of at least 20 invites, only one person came. Wow! I think that speaks volumes! I think that is all I have to say on the issue. I am just glad to be out of MK and moving to a new town! I can feel the love right now!

OH HAPPY DAYS!!

OK, so we have had happy news in our life here!! Josh has found a job! He will be working as a claims adjuster! This is so exciting! The only down side is that we have to move! Oh and I won't be teaching next year, unless something new comes up in Grand Island schools, but I doubt that! I am actually not sad about this at all! That means I get to stay home with my beautiful daughter! I will sub at least 2 times a week and decorate cakes on the side, but no lesson plans or late night grading for me! I cannot explain how excited I am about that!!We are also excited about selling our house! We are hoping it doesn't take too long, but as most people we can't sell too low or we have to pay out of pocket for our closing cost!
Josh starts his job on Monday and he is so excited. He won't have to be in the central part of the state yet, but he will probably have to start traveling soon for work!
The only part of this whole excursion that I am leery about is services for Jenessa. I want what is best for her and I feel that we should get that in Grand Island, but we don't know. I know that laws state certain things,but after we got everything taken care of with our teacher, she has been wonderful!! And I just have loved our team, it is just hard. I am also sad to leave all of the little friends that Jenessa has here... Though we are planning a swimming party sometime in July, but it depends on Josh on exactly when.
Though, at this time I want to focus on the positives! I have been so sucked in to the negative crap this past 4 months and I am now ready to move on to the next chapter with my family!!! I just cannot wait for summer school to be over and my house to sell and our fresh and new start in Grand Island. Not the most exciting town, but an exciting endeavour!!

What is fair!

So, as we are working to help get Jenessa the appropriate accomodations, I keep thinking... What is fair in the world of disabilities? Is it fair that my daughter crawled at 10 months and other mom's that I talked to told me their childrent crawled at 14 to 15 months. But yet we are asking for more pt visits and ot visits? Is it fair that my daughter is ahead of the curve, but yet we get to request a speech therapist, just to be on the safe side? Yes she is a little behind in her speech, but nothing like she could be. I just keep thinking about how I am always asked at school to make it fair, is fair really fair? I don't think so, and yes it is fair for us to ask for all of these things for Jenessa because it is called early intervention for a reason... to help us help Jenessa before she hits those walls of hardship. Every parent wants what is best for their child and in the world of disabilities you have to fight hard for that... If you think about it, is it fair for a parent of a child with a disability, that has to deal with the hardships and frustrations that come along with whatever the disability is, to have to fight so hard to get the interventions that the law requires be offered?? So, I guess the real question is, God, did you chose me as Jenessa's mommy because even though I am emotional, I have the fight and the drive to make sure she is given every opportunity to succeed, fair or not?? Well, personally I feel that he did and I am proud of that!! My sister made a statement to me when I had a pregnant women moment she told me, "Wow, your daughter is going to be very lucky to have such a protective mom." Looking back on those words I guess the fight that I have in me will be put to better us now, than it was that day!!
So just a thought, how can we tell our kids that they deserve to be treated fair, when fair isn't really fair?

Realizations!

So, we went to a 1st birthday party yesterday and had a great time!! It was so much fun for Jenessa, she just loved it. Her favorite thing to do in large groups of kids or even small groups of kids, is to stare at the other kids. Now, Jenessa plays, but she takes time out of playing and watch... which I think helps her because she gets to see what other kids at her age are doing. Though I came home from the party a little deflated about Jenessa's success! She is doing wonderful, but she just seems a little behind in her gross motor skills. She isn't really even close to walking yet and every other child at the party was walking and I know, I know she will do it on her own time and don't wish for that yet... blah blah blah. I am sorry, but my daughter should be getting ready to walk! She has been crawling for long enough! I know I can't say that, but it is frustrating and I am saying this down Syndrome or not!
It is just hard to keep in mind that my daughter will probably take a little longer at everything that she does! It doesn't mean I have to like it!! I just hope that she gets more opprotunities to be around more children soon! It helps her out so much!!

Unwanted worries

I was talking to my husband today and we were discussing Jenessa having Downs and all the "crap" that can come along with that. My thoughts...

I am a brand new mom with about 3 times the worry as with a child without a disability and un ending fears, but a ray of sunshine to take all those worries and thoughts away!

Jenessa is like a ray of sunshine! She has this laugh that kind of sounds like a cute cackle that just lights my life up every time I hear it! Even when she is crabby she is cute because she does the rasberry blowing and then rubs her face and has started yellling at us, in protest to the exhaustion.
Even though Jenessa has down syndrom, we know that she is doing really well in the area of her gross motor skills. I worry about what could be, but yet I think that God makes it easier by making Jenessa so cute!

What to do when the world comes crashing down?!

So on February 5th my husband was fired from his job... supposedly he didn't have the "drive" to work for that company, even though he slept, ate and breathed that company! When he told me, it took the life right out of me for a few days! All I could do was cry or want to hurt someone. I am still angry about it, considering I feel he was one of the most dedicated workers they had. Anyone that he came into contact with knew he worked for them and how proud he was to work for them, but I digress. What do you do when you have absolutely no control over the outcome of your life. I still had my job and we still had a daughter with doctors appointments. They don't just stop because he doesn't have a job. So we moved on... I am finally able to think about what happened without crying or even being afraid I will cry. I still get worried and want to have control, I want to tell him to just keep applying to jobs and keep looking, but I can't. It is his career and honestly to put it in a way that most people understand... How do you go from having your dream job to now having to work your way back up? That is what I keep wondering. But Josh has interviewed with a company three times and hopefully will get the job sometime this month! He started the interview process with them three weeks ago and we are still waiting. I understand that in their world that three weeks isn't very long, but when you have no income other than a teacher's pay to live off of, it is an eternity!
And Josh isn't enjoying his time at home, it would be differnt if he was loving spending time at home. He loves being with Jenessa, but he can't work on the house like he wants too. He wants to fix stuff up, but since he is watching Jenessa he can only do small things at a time. I just pray that he finds something out soon.
I still sometimes look back on the last month and wonder why this all happened. Ya know everyone says that everything happens for a reason, but if someone could please explain to me what reasone there would be for my husband's dream job to be ripped out from under him and us left to pray that we can afford to live... Whether it be keeping food on the table, afford the doctor visits for Jenessa or keeping our house. It is all just scary and sometimes, I wish that someone could just tell me what purpose God had in mind when this happened.

Double Take

It has been almost a year since I did my double take of my daughter the first time I held her!! As a mom to be we all invision that day, the day that we see our wonderful bundle of joy and how they will look and who they will look more like, mom or dad. Well, my husband and I had gone through all that, we found out we were having a little girl and I invisioned a little blonde haired, blue eyed beauty! And after a very intense labor and emergency C-section, I was so excited to hold my daughter, whom I was able to see briefly before they took her to clean her up and give her her shots. After they wheeled me back to my room and my husband handed her over, I looked into her eyes just expecting, well I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it wasn't what I saw. When I looked into her eyes I saw the unknown stairing back at me. Not, oh crap I am a mom and now what do I do, I mean, oh know something isn't right. I did a double take and didn't see it the second time. Of course I was just so excited to finally meet my daughter and just wanted to hold her. I let Josh, my husband, take her and the nurses then came and took her for blood work and all that jazz. Josh left and went home and I tried to sleep.
I don't know how long I was asleep, but when I woke up Jenessa's doctor came in and had a look on his face that wasn't one you wanted your brand new daughters doctor to have on his face. He then told me that he had notices some Down Syndrome features in Jenessa and was going to have her tested.
I look back now and realize that on that day everything change, but yet nothing changed at all.